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Review: In The Name of the King, or “Jason Statham Got to Get Paid, Son.” (Or more “Boll Crap”)

with 2 comments

'So Claire, have you made anything since Meet Joe Black?'

Newer Update: The numbers are in, ITNOTK:ADST (That’s awesome. That’s like 10 words in the title) made 3 mil opening weekend, and Fox finally admits how bad of a director Uwe Boll is. Now, now, I can rest in peace.

Update: /Film is reporting that In the Name of the King opened up with $950k on opening day, and is headed for a $2.1m opening weekend.

There are some people which are far more courageous than I, and one of those is our very own intrepid J-RAD, who braved his way the theatre to slog through Uwe Boll’s latest star-studded craptravaganza, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale. Here it goes:

With critical acclaims going to comedies like “Juno” and “Superbad,” I’d like to highlight another film that is easily this year’s unexpected comedy breakthrough: “In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.” Unfortunately for director Uwe Boll, it’s supposed to be an Action/Adventure/Fantasy flick — herein lies the humor. The film’s protagonist (who is a farmer) is unimaginatively named Farmer; the outright theft of shots from the Lord of the Rings trilogy begs one to wonder if Uwe Boll actually storyboarded anything, or if he just referred to one seriously worn-out copy of Jackson’s opus; and the film’s dialogue seems to have been randomly typed by a group of one-armed kinkajous with Tourette’s Syndrome that had been sniffing drain cleaner.

But I digress.

This film’s quality is no surprise coming from the man behind “BloodRayne” and “BloodRayne II: Deliverance” (did I mention that “BloodRayne III: Apparently Enough Isn’t Enough” is in pre-production?). It seems that any project Boll is attached to is doomed to abject suckitude. Maybe he enjoys being the feisty underdog, always out to make a name for himself. I’m rooting for the other guy.

The film’s casting was a surprise. With names like Ray Liotta and John Rhys-Davies you’d think the film would be at least partially worthwhile. C’mon: “Goodfellas!” “Lord of the Rings!” These films have won Oscars! But… “In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale?” This film would be hard-pressed to win a quilt at a church raffle. Once you realize Matthew Lillard and Burt Reynolds were cast to be royalty in this film, you’ll have an idea of how campy it is. For starters, Ray Liotta looks like Wayne Newton . Seriously. If you can get past that (I never could), his stodgy delivery of his horrendous dialogue is among some of the most laughable in the film. And there’s a lot of horrendous dialogue to choose from (like anything Matthew Lillard says, for instance).

Given the predictable nature of the film Uwe Boll could have at least set up some good action shots. Nope. Aside from the pilfered LOTR footage there is not one frame of decent cinematography in the entire film. It seems Boll spent all his time posing Jason Statham like his own personal life-size G.I. Joe and left the rest of the film to his assistants. And if you think those Cirque-du-Soleil-vine-hanging-hippy-forest-granola-girls shots count as imaginative, then I’ve got some volcano insurance to sell you.

All in all, there are better things you could do with the 2 hours it takes for this movie to trudge wearily across your film screen. You could kill a hobo with a ball peen hammer and bury his body in a shallow desert grave. You could systematically feed babies to rabid mutant puppies. Or you could trim your toenails using a sledgehammer. These are all much better ideas than wasting 124 minutes and $8.50 on “In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.”

Thanks J-RAD!

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Written by canasian

January 12, 2008 at 1:21 pm

2 Responses

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  1. I’m pretty sure you had the title you wanted to use in mind LONG before the review was done. Or the movie 🙂

    jr4d

    January 16, 2008 at 12:26 am

  2. So, I guessed right, eh?

    canasian

    January 17, 2008 at 9:41 am


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